Conjuring by M. Thomas She waits until Jonathan has left for work -- he despises this ritual -- and then on, off, on, off, on, off, on, off, on, off, on, off, on, off, on, off, on, off, on off, on, off. She
moves into the kitchen, which is the closest sink to the back door.
Washes seven times. Up and
down the sides of each finger five times. Turn
hands under the water five times to rinse. Another
dollop of soft soap. Repeat.
From there it is a safe trip to the garage, and the ritual of locking and
unlocking the car door. Seventeen
times. Except for the bedroom light
switch, odd numbers are the preferred pattern. The
maid won't stay. She is very kind,
but doesn't speak English much. She
gestures to various things. The
light switch. The sink.
The remote control on the key chain.
She wrinkles her brow, puts out her hands to plead for the right word.
She only knows how to say "Diablo." You are bedeviling yourself. Sarah
knows this already, knows that her mind substitutes repetitions for a sense of
safety. The
new maid is old. She has a thick
accent, but speaks English well. In this age of accuracy, Sarah thinks she
should recognize the accent from TV or a movie.
Is it the cockney of a PBS Presents "David Copperfield"?
Is it the Russian shtick from the latest spy movie?
It is undefinable. The
maid's name is Gert. Perhaps German.
Although one day she mentions New Zealand.
She wears flowered dresses like the type seen in old photos of World War
II. Pulls her hair back in a bun,
and nary a lock escapes. She is a
bustler, like Sarah's mother was when she needed to be busy enough to forget.
Gert bustles to and fro, always looking busy, busy, always with a rag in
her hand, dusting anything that happens to lie along her path.
And she watches Sarah, who is used to being watched by maids, watches her
at the light switch, at the sink, in the garage with the car, brushing her hair
(seventy-seven strokes), rearranging the silverware, turning a vase when it has
been replaced on the shelf slightly to the left of where it should be. Finally,
after three weeks, Gert says, "How you conjure!
I haven't seen this type of conjuring since I was a very, very young
child." It
stops Sarah in her tracks over by the couch.
The TV remote is not set quite right on the table, but it will keep a
moment. "What
do you mean by that? What do you
mean about the conjuring?" Gert
smiles. She has small, harmless
teeth. (Teeth are brushed three
times, eleven strokes top and bottom.) "This,
with the light switch, and the washing of hands.
This is conjuring. My
grandmother did this, after our Paw-Paw was killed.
Oh, how she conjured him!" Sarah
reaches down and moves the remote two inches to the right.
She will not ask the how or why. She
knows them already, as if they were secrets she was keeping from herself.
"And did it work?" she says. Gert
shrugs. "There was a day we
could not find her, and then she didn't come back.
I always wonder, wherever he was, was he conjuring her too?
And in the end did she go to him, rather than bring him back to us?" "Have
you ever conjured?" Sarah asks. "I'm
not lonely for the dead," Gert says, then moves on to the upstairs
bathroom. That
night, Sarah tells Jonathan, "Gert says it's conjuring." He
rolls his back to her. "That's
good. I'm glad the maid is feeding
you some nonsense like that." "What
if it isn't?" "What
if you just took your pills like the doctor said, and it all went away?" he
replies. "Oh, I know.
Then you wouldn't have anything to do all day." Jonathan
sleeps. Sarah gets up to wash her
hands. *
* * Tildy
was a pretty thing, Sarah's little doll, except that she fidgeted too much and
even at four only spoke in grunts, and she had a wide face with glassy eyes that
seemed only to notice the shine on things.
They
never took Tildy to events where Sarah's father needed to be seen with family. There
was a day they were hosting a special business dinner, and no sitter could be
found to keep Tildy upstairs, so Sarah was left in charge.
Tildy slipped away, slippery eel, grunting and pointing and wide-eyed,
and appeared in the doorway of the dining room drooling happily at her
cleverness. One of the women
shrieked. Sarah's
father grabbed Tildy by the arm and dragged her into the hallway, with Sarah
watching like a silent fetch near the stairs.
Her father shook Tildy, and shook Tildy, and shook Tildy until her head
bobbled -- "Don't you do that!
Don't you do that!" Later,
Tildy threw up, and her eyes bled. After-dinner
drinks were ruined by the arrival of the ambulance. Sarah
remembers this until it is deep night, and the soft soap is all gone.
Her fingers are cold, her flesh red.
Something moves in the corner of her eye.
She looks up at the kitchen window, across the long, green lawn.
Something slips away behind a tree, a little bare foot, the edge of a
summer dress. The cicadas, which had
fallen silent, swell up like static. Now
she knows. For the first time, she
begins to flick the switch for the back porch light.
Thirty-seven feels like the right number.
She turns the deadbolt. One,
two . . .fifty-five, fifty-six, fifty-seven. There
are many light switches in the house. Many
sinks. Many locks. When
Gert arrives, she has not slept. "How
long did it take your grandmother?" Sarah asks. "Fifteen
years," Gert says. And
so, she conjures.
Copyright © M. Thomas 2004 Photo Copyright © Eric Marin 2004 About the Author: M. Thomas lives in Texas. Her fiction has appeared in Abyss & Apex, Strange Horizons, and Lady Churchill's Rosebud Wristlet. |